D G A, D A D (repeat all the way through)

Hey, look, a cactus! Look at that cactus!
Hey, Mister Cactus! How are you?
Sitting by yourself here; nothing much to do here:
Just a lot of sand and a sky, so blue.

Hey, Mister Cacus, are you feeling lonely?
I could be your friend if you would like.
I’d give you a hug but that would be painful.
Instead, I’ll just wave – could I call you Mike?

It’s very nice to meet you, Mike. I didn’t even know that
Plants could live in a place so hot.
Where do you get your water? Perhaps you don’t need it.
Maybe you’re fake? Are you a robot?

I don’t mean to intrude, Mike, but you’re a quiet person.
Do I seem nosey? I apologise.
You seem so mysterious, dark and distant
And maybe kinda handsome – I love your eyes.

Oh, no, wait, right – you are a cactus:
You don’t have eyes or hands or feet.
So what do you do all day? Do you just sit here
And wait around for people to greet?

Well here I am, Mike! I’m right here waiting
But you don’t seem to like me much.
I guess it’s understandable if you’ve been here so long:
No one to hold or even touch.

Please don’t touch me, Mike. You’re rather spiky.
You’d make me bleed and have a light head.
But maybe that’s your plan: you act all innocent
And suddenly you pounce and I’d be dead.

Please don’t kill me, Mike. I’m really nice, honest!
I turn off the light when I leave the room.
I even recycle my plastic bottles.
Please don’t make me meet my doom.

I’m gonna go now. Back away slowly.
Don’t try anything – you know I’m armed!
Okay, it’s not a weapon: more like a pencil
But if I really wanted I could cause you harm!

Don’t be offended if I run away now:
You’re just kinda scary and evil and mean.
“Hey there, Paul!” ARGH, now you’re talking!
Oh, no, wait, this is all a dream.

It probably won’t be a surprise to discover that this song was written as a bit of a joke. I had been taking part in a project called FAWM (February Album Writing Month) in which you had to write 14 songs in the month of February (that’s one every two days). Some good songs came out of that project, including a few of the other tracks on this album. Mike The Cactus was song #14 of that project and, as such, I decided I would make it my most crazy, ridiculous song yet. I think I achieved that fairly well.

And yes, that is a tuba.